The following post may come from a place inside me that is mildly annoyed and just the tiniest bit passive-agressive. You know … take it with a grain of salt.

Some statements can only be understood if you know what specialty coffee is (read my intro here). Short version: We’re like those wine people, just with coffee. We sniff, we swirl, and we secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) judge anyone who dilutes this dark, lovely drink with water/chocolate/milk/sugar.

A (non-exhaustive) TYPOLOGY OF COFFEE HOUSE GUESTS

People who stare at and comment on the extensive menu and end up ordering something that’s not on it.

People who sit by the window and daydream for hours.

People (women!) who ask for flavours in their coffee. “Like, do you have caramel?”

Instagrammers. …

People who can’t live without us and come by two to three times a day.

People who don’t understand the concept of self-service.

People who don’t understand the concept that a barista is not their personal therapist.

People on dates. They’re the cutest. (Plus, guys who bring a different date almost daily. Yes, we do remember.)

People who don’t know how to say “hello”. Or “bye”.

People (men!) who explain coffee to their friends loudly and incorrectly.

People who come behind the counter and invade your personal space (my pet peeve).

People who come in saying, “I’ve heard you have the best coffee in the city”.

People who call a moka pot an espresso machine.

People who ask for tea. Or hot chocolate. Or decaf. Or Coke.

People who seem to live off cake (and can miraculously stay skinny).

People who stir sugar into your carefully crafted latte art pattern 😥 .

People who are delighted by the flower in their latte, because they’ve never seen anything like it before.

People who innocently ask, “Oh, are you closing now?” at 6:20, after I block the door at 6 sharp and continue to noisily clean up the espresso machine. (Turning off the light usually does the trick).